Dakota Mortensen Reveals He Considered Killing Himself amid Drug Relapse During His Divorce

Dakota Mortensen is getting candid astir his struggles pinch addiction.

Appearing connected nan Wednesday, June 4 section of The Viall FIles, nan 32-year-old reality prima opened up astir his life anterior to The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

While fans of nan show person heard mention of Dakota's erstwhile addiction connected nan show, he takes it backmost to wherever it each began — erstwhile he was a 17-year-old hoops subordinate looking for thing to thief him negociate his knee pain.

"I had bad knees, and I retrieve I was astatine a believe once, and my knees were hurting ace bad," he explains to big Nick Viall. "I was successful nan gym, and a kid was successful location for, moving retired aliases something. He was conscionable 1 of my friends, benignant of. I was complaining astir my knees... and past he was like, 'Oh, dude, I person immoderate symptom pills.'"

Dakota "had nary idea" what nan pills were, but he took them. "Then I went and practices, and I retrieve I had zero pain. It was nan champion point successful nan world," he recalled.

Dakota sought retired much pills, uncovering retired that they were medicine painkillers. He didn't spot what he was doing arsenic problematic because, "It was a pill and I didn't see, I think, nan bad broadside of that successful that way," he explained.

Never miss a communicative — motion up for PEOPLE's free regular newsletter to enactment up-to-date connected nan champion of what PEOPLE has to offer​​, from personage news to compelling quality liking stories.

When he and his friend went to get much pills, their trader told them snorting was much effective. Dakota yet moved connected to Oxycontin, recalling that a "buddy" yet told him to fume them "off of tin foil," which created a immense displacement successful his addiction.

The then-teenager was moving building but recovered his habits costs much than he was bringing in. It was past that he turned to heroin. As his addiction took over, Dakota recovered himself stealing from his parents and doing return scams astatine large container stores pinch friends for other cash.

Dakota was successful a narration pinch his precocious schoolhouse sweetheart astatine nan time, who wasn't alert of nan grade of his addiction earlier they sewage married. It was past that he started to recognize nan toll his addiction could return connected others.

"She knew astir [the addiction], but she didn't understand it," he said. "And cipher did. Nobody understood it. My family didn't understand it ... She had nary thought that I was utilizing heroin. She knew, [but] she had nary thought really bad I really was arsenic well."

Dakota vowed to himself to extremity utilizing erstwhile they sewage married, but he admitted that he turned to narcotics again connected their wedding day.

"I retrieve erstwhile I was going to my wedding, it was gonna beryllium my past hurrah earlier I stopped. And earlier I left, [some of my buddies] were like, 'We should usage 1 much time,'" he recalled. "So, I americium successful my suit, I'm getting fresh to spell do this... And I americium trying to get drugs."

"I retrieve I was expected to beryllium location astatine a definite time, and I was late," he added. "Like, I wasn't precocious to nan wedding aliases anything, but, like, meaning I was precocious to wherever I should person been location a batch earlier... I showed up and yeah, I utilized there, and that was really fentanyl that I utilized there."

In nan early days of his marriage, Dakota tried to get sober. He and his woman bought a location together and pinch her moving nights arsenic a CNA, Dakota "held disconnected for a while," he admitted.

When a friend reached retired offering heroin, however, he began utilizing again. "It was mostly conscionable heroin, and then, like, nan fentanyl patches are, we would get those from crab patients, by nan way. We would find group that were dying from cancer, and they would waste each their narcotics to group to make money, which is really sad," he says.

In nan twelvemonth and a half he was married, Dakota continued doing narcotics pinch his wife's constricted knowledge. He felt nan telephone to get sober aft having "a very godly, belief experience."

"I retrieve I was hurting truthful bad because I was still utilizing and I conscionable felt for illustration specified a crappy person. I conscionable hated myself truthful much," he said. "And I retrieve I said a dream and astatine this time, I didn't moreover cognize if I believed successful God anymore... And I said a dream and I was like, 'If there's thing you tin do correct now, conscionable please, I request thief truthful bad, and I request thing to hap that will conscionable change.'"

He continued, "Right aft I said that, I had a relative that I haven't talked to since I was a small kid, and he was a junkie for 25, 30 years, and past he was sober. He ended up getting sober. He worked astatine a rehab place, and he randomly, retired of nan blue, changeable maine a text, correct erstwhile I was done praying. He sent maine a scripture and I thought that was benignant of weird, but I retrieve texting him being for illustration 'Hey, I'm actually, I kinda consciousness for illustration I request thief correct now.'"

Dakota didn't travel done immediately, he admitted. However connected nan adjacent day, Christmas Eve, things came to a caput erstwhile his woman caught him using.

"She was successful her bath and I went into nan different bath and locked nan doorway and I was getting fresh to do it," he explained. "And she grabbed nan key, unlocked nan door, and opened it pinch maine using. It was, like, nan astir craziest acquisition because she was conscionable broken."

Dakota recalled emotion "numb" and hiding his narcotics connected his assemblage and throwing nan foil it came successful in nan toilet, convincing his woman he'd flushed nan narcotics successful beforehand of her.

"But I kept nan drugs," he said. "And past she called my family. My family came and picked maine up. Then erstwhile I was driving home, moreover conscionable driving location I retrieve I was, like, I was sitting connected nan door. I was conscionable truthful retired of it. And I was this adjacent from conscionable opening nan doorway and conscionable throwing myself retired of nan truck," he admits.

"I sewage location and I was astatine my parents' location for a while. The adjacent day, she came over, fundamentally said, 'Hey, I'm gonna get a divorce.' And by nan way, during this time, I was successful rehab. So I checked myself successful rehab. I did spell to her and I was like, 'Hey, I'm struggling. I gotta get help. I don't cognize really to do it. And I managed to get help.'"

Knowing that rehab was excessively little, excessively precocious for his matrimony put Dakota successful a acheronian place.

"From there, I retrieve location was this constituent wherever I was like, this is wherever I was gonna termination myself," he revealed. "And I went, I bought for illustration a gram of heroin and I was conscionable like, 'I'm gonna conscionable sprout up and I'm gonna conscionable effort to termination myself.' This is wherever I'm truthful sick of this life. I don't cognize really to stop, can't stop. It felt for illustration it was just... I could ne'er stop. And erstwhile I did, that aforesaid relative called maine and he said, 'Hey, I'm gonna travel prime you up. I'm gonna get you into my rehab that I activity astatine for free, and I'm gonna travel drawback you.'"

Dakota agreed but noted, "I was like, 'I'll effort it 1 much time. This will beryllium my past time. I was like, If this 1 doesn't work, I'm done. I'm conscionable gonna termination myself. I don't for illustration doing this anymore.'"

He admitted it was difficult to spell done his divorcement and get sober. After 4 months successful rehab, he came location and packed up, deciding to move from Idaho to Utah for a caller start.

"The crazy point is, erstwhile I was successful Utah, I really was sober for adjacent to 4½, 5 years. So I was really doing great," he said. "I was really ace happy. I was conscionable loving life again. I ne'er sewage to really bask life. It almost felt for illustration I missed retired connected everything. I ne'er sewage to do anything. I ended up having a relapse and it was fentanyl."

Today, Dakota has been sober for complete 3 years. He admitted, "What I really did, it sounds weird, but I did it conscionable for myself too, truthful that I could see, I really documented a batch of that play of clip for myself to watch what it did to really overmuch it changes you. When I watch backmost connected immoderate of those videos, it would rustle your mind. Like, your full thought process changes, like, immediately."

To get sober, he revealed that he sewage a edifice successful Saint George and locked himself successful a edifice for astir 5 to six days wherever he went "through nan gnarliest withdrawals."

He explained, "I deliberation it was nan portion that I knew, I could yet see, that I knew each of nan beliefs successful my caput astatine that clip were lies. It wasn't real. It was just, like, I knew it was conscionable nan drugs. It was each nan narcotics changing really I'm thinking."

Dakota changed his attraction to moving retired and wellness arsenic he tried to modulation to a caller shape of his life. It was astir six months into that travel that Dakota met Taylor Frankie Paul. While it hasn't ever been soft sailing betwixt them, Taylor understood nan boundaries of Dakota's addictions.

Taylor makes mention of Dakota's addiction aft their Halloween statement blowout during play 2, acknowledging it's much important than immoderate problem betwixt them.

"I made judge he was okay because I do interest astir him obviously," she told Mayci Neeley and Mikayla Matthews during a luncheon together. "When you person a past for illustration that, that's for illustration life aliases decease for people. So I checked up connected him."

In a confessional, she elaborates, explaining, "Since nan Halloween party, Miranda and I are cordial. But Dakota and I are presently successful a conflict and things are conscionable getting worse and worse. And honestly, I do interest astir Dakota's sobriety. With recovering addicts, you ne'er cognize and truthful I deliberation I'll ever interest astir that. My bosom is closed astatine this point, but there's nary mobility that I consciousness truthful powerfully astir him."

If you aliases personification you cognize is struggling pinch constituent abuse, please interaction nan SAMHSA helpline astatine 1-800-662-HELP.

If you aliases personification you cognize is struggling pinch intelligence wellness challenges, affectional distress, constituent usage problems, aliases conscionable needs to talk, telephone aliases matter 988, aliases chat astatine 988lifeline.org 24/7.