'I love my fans, but also dread meeting them' - life as an autistic elite footballer

Goalkeeper Safia Middleton-Patel is portion of nan Wales squad for Euro 2025. She is sparky, thoughtful, and has an infectious laugh. She is besides autistic.

Overstimulation has sent her to bed, exhausted, for a week. A misunderstood societal relationship tin ruin her temper for months. She will thrust miles past a petrol position to find 1 pinch a self-pay pump. And, unconnected to her disorder, she is of nan sentiment that tomatoes are vegetables, immoderate nan scientists say. Of which much later.

But first and foremost, nan 20-year-old Manchester United goalkeeper is simply a hugely promising footballer - being named subordinate of nan lucifer aft a drawstring of good saves helped Wales gain a 1-1 tie successful Sweden successful April.

That was successful nan Nations League - and now she is heading to Switzerland for July's European Championship, pinch Wales drawn successful Group D alongside England, France and nan Netherlands aft qualifying for a awesome tourney for nan first time.

As goalkeeper for nan lowest-ranked broadside successful nan tourney she tin expect to find herself successful nan heavy of nan action if selected - successful which lawsuit Middleton-Patel will move to her trusted, and perchance unique, method of reference nan game.

"I benignant of visualise nan adjacent walk arsenic for illustration nan cleanable Lego ceramic I'm missing successful my set," she explains.

"I'm searching for it and I'm getting successful nan correct positions to find it.

"People astir apt don't deliberation astir Lego erstwhile they're playing football, but I'm looking for that ceramic to beryllium ready. If it [the move] changes, you tin ever usage a different colour 1 - it tin ever beryllium a different pass."

Among nan galore aspects of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) - which tin see difficulties pinch societal interaction, sensory issues, and nan request for regular and building - hyperfocus is nan characteristic galore neurodivergent sportspeople azygous retired arsenic playing a ample domiciled successful their careers.

"When I'm playing, that's erstwhile I'm hyperfocused," says Middleton-Patel. "When I americium connected nan training crushed aliases playing a crippled I don't perceive thing - it's conscionable nan shot and myself.

"I astir apt perceive my ain heartbeat much than thing else."

That laser-like focus, and nan quietening of nan mind, is simply a invited alteration for Middleton-Patel, who admits she tin find occasions astir group would find normal to beryllium overwhelming - some erstwhile she is astir nan game, aliases successful life successful general.

"If I'm sat connected a chair aliases I'm sat successful nan crowd, aliases I'm watching shot connected nan TV - oof. I perceive each nan fans, I perceive each nan cheers, I perceive each nan clapping," she says.

"If personification is sat adjacent to maine drinking, I'm like: 'Why are you drinking truthful loud? Can you stop?'" she adds pinch a smile, alert of nan humour successful nan situation.

"Sometimes I will beryllium connected nan chair and I'll person my hands complete my ears and I get soiled looks from nan fans because they are like, 'are you a child?'

"No, I'm trying to focus."

When Manchester United put retired clackers for fans astatine an FA Cup game, she recovered nan sound nan crowd made unbearable, starring to her stimming, external - digit drumming is simply a large 1 for her - to effort to forestall herself becoming overwhelmed.

"It sewage to nan extremity of nan crippled and I americium sat, hands connected my ears, rocking, because I couldn't modulate immoderate of my emotions and by nan extremity of it I needed to return clip for myself," she says.

"I emotion nan fans and I want to speak to nan fans, but I request to get wrong and that's wherever it's difficult because you'll get immoderate messages online being like, 'my girl was location for you and you didn't opportunity hi'.

"I'm really sorry, but my intelligence wellness is my privilege and if I request to spell wrong and conscionable beryllium successful a quiet room for 2 minutes, I'm going to person to. Otherwise nan remainder of nan week will beryllium sabotaged because of that."

The key, she says, is uncovering a balance.

"I emotion my fans, but I besides dread gathering them because of 'the front' I fearfulness I person to put on, because if I springiness them 1 weird look aliases 1 soiled look erstwhile my look is truthful consecutive and it's unintentional, they return it nan incorrect way," she adds.

"[You want to say] 'I'm really sorry, but there's excessively galore thoughts going on. I wasn't looking and staring astatine you blankly and not being excited because you're wasting my time. I really want to meet you, but I'm besides very tense for this interaction.'"

And while she firmly believes group should not beryllium ashamed of openly stimming, it tin still make her consciousness self-conscious erstwhile group notice, only expanding her discomfort.

"Sometimes erstwhile I'm sat successful nan stadium and I'm rocking and nan fans are location [and 1 mightiness beryllium looking astatine you], it makes you truthful self-conscious because I'm for illustration 'straighten up connected nan chair, respire successful properly, americium I looking successful nan correct place? OK, do I look nan part?'

"It's like, 'why do I person to do this? Why do I make myself consciousness for illustration I person to put connected this monolithic performance?'"

These issues pinch societal relationship person affected her relationships pinch coaches astatine erstwhile clubs.

"It's really thing that sewage myself successful a batch of trouble," she explains.

"When you're having catch-ups pinch nan coaches and sitting location and I'm not looking them successful nan oculus and I'm looking astatine nan chair adjacent to maine and they go, 'what are you looking at? Are you looking there? Look astatine me'.

"I'm much focused erstwhile I'm staring astatine thing that doesn't move and doesn't person immoderate feelings because you don't person the, you know, 'what are they thinking?' successful your head.

"People spell 'that's rude'. But I'm trying to put much attraction successful and I'm trying to really beryllium better."

Middleton-Patel says she ever felt different and had her first acquisition of "totally shutting down" arsenic a consequence of becoming overwhelmed while successful twelvemonth 9 astatine school, earlier being diagnosed arsenic autistic astatine 18.

Things came to a caput successful February 2023. She made her Championship debut - while connected indebtedness astatine Coventry - and her first quality for Wales followed 3 days later.

"I had astir a week of media after, and past I deed a ceramic wall," she says. "I couldn't do anything. I couldn't speak to my mum. I was successful furniture for nan mostly of nan time - I couldn't eat, I didn't want to do anything, and that's erstwhile I was like, 'you request to activity help'."

When Middleton-Patel becomes overwhelmed nan acquisition is some intelligence and physical, "like personification has conscionable put a weighted broad connected maine but not successful a bully measurement - it's for illustration I get trapped and I can't time off it".

She adds: "Then I'm tired. Constantly. My emotions are conscionable done nan roof. I can't power my somesthesia regularisation - I get excessively basking aliases I'm excessively cold.

"I can't get my words out, I person truthful galore thoughts. And erstwhile personification goes 'you OK?' and I don't cognize and they spell 'come on, you cognize really you feel', I can't picture it - I cannot pluck a thought retired of my caput and I deliberation that's a difficult point that group don't understand."

Middleton-Patel feels "very fortunate" she was diagnosed pinch nan thief of Manchester United, and she says nan nine proceed to beryllium a awesome support.

"They are very, very understanding. And if they don't understand, they will ever propulsion maine for a chat. They won't ever person a spell and beryllium like, 'why I've said this, why I've said it for illustration that'. They want to understand maine much than anyone else," she says.

By speaking openly astir her neurodivergence, she hopes individuals and organisations will person a greater knowing astir what it is for illustration to beryllium autistic - that immoderate group are not deliberately being difficult, it's conscionable that their cognition of nan world is truthful different.

"People ever spell 'you don't look autistic'. But since erstwhile has autism had a look?" she says.

"This is me, this is really my encephalon works, this is really I americium going to be.

"I cognize what it's for illustration to beryllium dropped from a nine because they opportunity you're excessively argumentative and you're excessively difficult and we can't grip you. I'm not trying to beryllium difficult."

What others saw arsenic her being difficult was really her trying to understand successful item what was required.

"And they conscionable thought, 'well, we've told you, why don't you understand for illustration everyone else?' Because I'm not everyone else. My encephalon isn't for illustration everyone else's."

The brains of autistic group are wired otherwise to those of nan mostly of people, and while nan upset is called a spectrum to exemplify nan different characteristics and severity among individuals, Middleton-Patel prefers a different measurement of describing it arsenic she finds that excessively limiting.

"I emotion nan colour instrumentality thought and nan visualisation because I can't visualise a spectrum arsenic a consecutive statement because I'm like, 'well, wherever do things spell connected it? You know, it's conscionable 1 consecutive line'," she says.

"But nan colour instrumentality takes into information your full life, from societal interactions to worry to your tactile senses.

"So I deliberation for maine it's easier to visualise connected days wherever I'm struggling because successful my caput I'll go, 'today socially is done nan roof'. You tin show group that you cognize you're struggling that way, whereas if it was 'put it connected a line', I'd beryllium for illustration 'well I don't know'.

"People say, 'what's nan symptom retired of 1 to 10?' Well, I don't know, I've ne'er been deed by a bus..."

Appropriately for a goalkeeper, Middleton-Patel has greenish fingers, pinch herb plants her favourites.

However, she tin only eat mini cherry tomatoes because she finds nan large ones, pinch their slimy, jelly-like interior, repulsive - thing plentifulness of neurodivergent group will work together with. Once hers are afloat grown, she happily gives them distant to friends and team-mates.

Asked wherever she stands connected nan statement astir them being a consequence aliases a vegetable, she has nary doubt, having researched nan matter. "Oh!" she says, pinch nan excitement of a existent herb enthusiast.

"I understand either side, but wherever I put it successful my garden, successful my small location allotment, it's pinch nan veg. I deliberation it's a veg, but scientists mightiness opportunity otherwise."

One facet of neurodivergency that is still not afloat appreciated is nan breadth and extent of sensory issues that tin beryllium a portion of it.

Middleton-Patel struggles pinch sunlight - she is not unsocial successful uncovering grey skies are, somehow, moreover brighter and much achy than clear blue, sunny ones - to nan grade she often has to deterioration sunglasses successful nan gym because nan windows are truthful big.

And past there's cutlery - specifically nan size of 'normal' forks, which to her make it look arsenic though group are eating pinch a plot spade.

"I person my ain group of forks successful our luncheon room," she says. "They are officially kids' cutlery - that's what I use. I usage them astatine location too. I person tactile issues and weight issues - nan look of a, if you want to opportunity 'normal', fork makes maine really angry. I can't explicate nan emotion but I want to propulsion it retired of nan window."

While she stresses really supportive some her team-mates and nan nine are, location is 1 tight-knit set she is peculiarly adjacent to - her chap 'Lego Club' members Jess Simpson, Leah Galton and Rachel Williams.

"We each bounce disconnected each other, but they besides cognize erstwhile I conscionable request a manus connected nan limb to beryllium like: 'Calm down. You tin breathe. You're fine. You're safe here,'" she says.

"I don't cognize really they do it, but erstwhile I can't get my words out, they cognize what I'm trying to say. They'll speak connected my behalf and I deliberation that is monolithic for maine because sometimes I'll beryllium sat successful a gathering and I will spell mute.

"People are looking astatine maine and I'll look astatine nan floor, and they'll beryllium there: 'She's trying to opportunity this. We've conscionable discussed it, blah, blah, blah, blah.' And they're conscionable perfect. They understand me. They don't want maine to clone anything, they conscionable want maine to beryllium me. As elemental arsenic that."

If only life itself were that simple, for activities galore group undertake pinch hardly a 2nd thought - shopping for illustration - tin lead to her taking reasonably different measures.

Buying apparel is difficult capable already, because her issues pinch texture make it difficult to find items she feels comfortable in, but nan process itself is besides very stressful, and she now does almost each of her shopping online arsenic a result.

"One point I deliberation group don't see is nan worry side," she says.

"When apparel shop assistants travel up to me, for illustration 'can I thief you?' Er, no. Are you meant to help? Am I meant to opportunity yes? No, I'm fine. But past I opportunity it truthful bluntly they're for illustration 'Okaaay…' And I'm for illustration 'oh no, I didn't mean it for illustration that'.

"One point that makes maine laughter is - and I wish I could flooded this - erstwhile I spell to get petrol I person to spell to a 'pay astatine pump' station. I will thrust an other 15 minutes conscionable to debar going into a till 1 because of nan fearfulness of that speech and not knowing what they're going to say.

"The only shop I tin spell into is Lego because I cognize what I'm going successful for. I tin really make speech because they emotion Lego arsenic overmuch arsenic I emotion Lego, but that's virtually nan only store."

Lego is derived from nan Danish 'leg godt', which intends 'play well' successful English. As she heads to nan Euros, surely it will not only beryllium Wales fans sending her disconnected pinch nan connection 'leg godt Safia, limb godt'.