Meet men like Keith Urban who walked out of their decades-long marriages — and the man getting rich guiding them

In nan past 20 years, lawyer John Nachlinger has handled much than 2,000 divorces. 

A self-described “men’s divorcement strategist,” Nachlinger wants dissatisfied husbands to cognize that calling it quits isn’t a motion of defeat, but of bravery and self-care. In 2020, he started a podcast and will soon people a book — some bluntly titled “Get Divorced Without Getting Screwed” — successful which he interviews narration experts arsenic good arsenic different dudes astir their difficult divorcement journeys.

Over nan years, he has counseled relationship-addled guys for a multitude of issues, including an age-old one: sticking pinch a narration for nan kids.

“I person ne'er told personification to enactment joined for their children … ever. That is nan worst logic to enactment married,” Nachlinger matter-of-factly told The Post. “I ever opportunity that you thatch your children what a patient matrimony is, and staying successful a bad marriage hurts them much than thing else.”

Nachlinger helped a hubby who did not want to divided from his woman travel to nan determination to locomotion away, contempt being successful a chaotic situation: she wouldn’t extremity a narration pinch a Nigerian man — whom she was helping to launder money.

“I reminded him astir self-respect and nan truth that you only unrecorded once,” Nachlinger said of nan case. “He saw that he was being used. I encouraged him to look successful nan reflector and inquire a elemental question: Is nan matrimony over? If yes, past let’s get moving connected nan divorce.”

A existent customer felt for illustration he had been “roommates” pinch his woman for six years. He subsequently fell successful emotion pinch personification overseas and went to spot her; his woman recovered retired and served him pinch divorcement papers upon his return. “But he followed his bosom erstwhile nan matrimony was already over,” Nachlinger said. “Good for him!”

Yet arsenic he was spreading nan gospel of divorcement to a increasing database of men successful request of guidance, Nachlinger was stuck successful a 15-year national that had agelong mislaid its intimacy and spark.

“I would show [others] that ‘divorce’ was not a soiled word, that they deserved to beryllium happy, but present I was, surviving successful misery, not moreover listening to my ain damn advice,” he told The Post.

Nachlinger waited until 2021 to admit that he wanted to divided — and he is not unsocial successful putting disconnected nan inevitable, often for overwhelming reasons.

Couples person progressively conscionable been sticking it retired longer — sometimes much longer — earlier yet throwing successful nan towel, arsenic was made clear by the caller high-profile split of A-listers Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman aft 19 years of marriage.

‘Gray divorce’ connected nan rise

Though divorcement is hardly nan scandalous arena it erstwhile was successful nan US, the divorcement complaint has importantly gone down from its highest successful 1980. In nan past mates decades, nan rate has dropped from 4% per 1,000 of nan full organization successful 2000 to conscionable 2.3% successful 2023.

But The Post precocious noted a rise successful “gray divorcées,” middle-aged dames who were yet leaving their semipermanent marriages.

Relationship coach Dr. Jacquie Del Rosario said that it makes consciousness that we are seeing much “delayed-onset divorce” happening among group who person been together for complete a decade, flatly telling The Post, “People alteration complete time.”

Couples slow drift apart, and by nan clip they announcement — aliases determine to yet face it — it’s often excessively precocious to traverse nan gulf betwixt them. 

“As this improvement takes place, you person to commencement to renegotiate your relationship,” Del Rosario said. Otherwise, “you’re going to recognize you’re pinch personification that you don’t person very overmuch successful communal pinch immoderate longer.”

‘I felt for illustration I was surviving alone’

That happened pinch Jason Stair, 49, an IT master successful Athens, Georgia, whose 20-year matrimony ended successful May.

He had met his ex-wife successful 2002, erstwhile she knocked connected his flat doorway looking for a friend of hers who lived successful nan aforesaid building. Two years later, they were married. 

“It seemed for illustration we were happy together astatine first,” Stair told The Post. A decade into their marriage, she went backmost to schoolhouse and sewage a master’s successful societal work.

She past sewage a occupation pinch precocious hours — and soon, they were hardly seeing each other.  

“That turned america into roommates successful a batch of ways,” Stair recalled. “I would spell to activity astatine 8 a.m. and travel location astatine 5, and her time started astatine 11 and she wasn’t location till 10 successful nan evening. There was not a batch of clip for us.”

They tried to person kids, but were ne'er capable to.

“I felt for illustration I was surviving alone,” he said. “We went 4 years pinch nary intimacy.” 

In 2021, she said that she couldn’t grip his slump and worry anymore and moved retired for almost 2 years, but past came backmost and said she wanted to activity connected their relationship.

Stair was reluctant, but acquiesced. 

“I didn’t want my matrimony to autumn apart,” Stair said, contempt nan problems. “I didn’t want to beryllium a failure.”

He added that he had grown up successful a devout Christian family that believed successful nan sanctity of matrimony and “’till decease do america part.” 

“My parents were together for 50-something years, and my grandparents — I thought, if they tin do it moreover if they don’t for illustration each other, I can,” Stair confessed. “But I don’t deliberation that’s imaginable anymore.”

In precocious 2022, they divided for bully and finalized their divorcement successful May. 

Is divorcement ever an atrocious choice?

“Many men are sticking astir successful relationships aliases marriages that they cognize are dead,” said Ralph Brewer, a relationships master and laminitis of Help For Men, a support group for guys going done break-ups.

He listed 3 main reasons why: nan traumatic trio of kids, money and fear.

“A batch of these men person very mediocre self-image,” Brewer told The Post. “They don’t deliberation that they’ll beryllium capable to commencement complete pinch personification else. They deliberation they’ll beryllium unsocial for nan remainder of their life. They think, ‘If I divorce, I could suffer money, I could suffer nan kids, and I don’t cognize what life will look for illustration for me.’

“And it’s sad, because they don’t spot [divorce] arsenic this blank slate of anticipation for them — they spot it conscionable arsenic this awfulness that awaits them.”

Indeed, divorcement isn’t ever awful. 

Paul Aaron Travis was joined for 19 years, and though his narration had started to falter aft astir a decade, he was blindsided erstwhile his woman said she wanted a divorcement successful 2012.

“I believed my life’s intent was to create a happy matrimony and break nan shape of divorcement that littered my full family tree,” Travis, 60, told The Post, adding that he wanted to enactment together for their 2 teen children.

“Every divorcement I’d witnessed was toxic, bitter, destructive — truthful I was wished to beryllium nan 1 who not only stayed together but really thrived.”

His delayed awakening turned into a astonishing life-changer.

“What I didn’t recognize until overmuch later: I was confusing result pinch purpose,” he said. “My existent intent wasn’t to person a lifelong matrimony astatine each costs — it was to break nan shape of toxic relationships, moreover if that meant ending ours pinch grace and honesty.”

‘Getting amended and better’

Today, Travis is simply a activity therapist — a profession alteration he credits to his divorce. The laminitis of narration statement the School for Love, he lives 5 minutes distant from his ex-wife and her hubby on Bainbridge Island, extracurricular Seattle.

No post-divorce play aliases unhealthy harangues here: They person family dinners and spell camping together pinch their now-adult children. 

Travis has dated much than 100 women successful nan past 12 years, he confessed, but is now successful a semipermanent narration pinch a female successful Portland, Oregon.

She has, of course, met his ex-wife. 

“Our narration conscionable keeps getting amended and better,” he said.

Nachlinger agrees that his life is amended post-divorce, too.

“I [was] nan biggest hypocrite successful nan world,” nan 45-year-old Princeton, New Jersey, resident confessed regarding his narration pinch his ex-husband, whom he met successful 2005 and joined successful 2013, adopting a girl that aforesaid year.

By 2017, “our visions of what our early looked for illustration were not aligned,” Nachlinger said, arsenic they based on astir money, vacations and more.

“There was decidedly a fearfulness factor,” Nachlinger reasoned astir his ain hesitancy. “Like, ‘I’m successful a marriage, I person a kid, I person a beautiful house, I person a bully job, a bully profession — what if by making this determination I rustle up everything?’ ”

After vowing ne'er to wed again, he ended up gathering different man conscionable 2 months aft telling his ex he wanted a divorce. Four years later, they’re happily married.

Nachlinger’s daughter, Sydney, 12, adores her caller step-dad and keeps her 2 biologic parents from fighting excessively much.

“My ex still hates me, but co-parenting hasn’t been bad,” Nachlinger said. “Our girl won’t fto it be! We don’t get distant pinch overmuch pinch her, truthful it each useful out.”