Not sure how to support a friend with cancer? Survivors have advice

Illustrations by Kristen Uroda for NPR

When I was successful mediate school, I'd walk hours sitting successful a acheronian closet successful my chamber connected nan telephone pinch my cousin. We'd gab astir our crushes, utilizing their concealed codification names. We'd stock funny stories astir our families. She was personification who I could trust connected to make maine laugh.

Last year, my relative was that personification for maine again. But this time, I was sitting successful a chemo chair pinch an IV successful my limb and a freezing acold headdress strapped to my caput to sphere my hairsbreadth follicles. My test of bosom crab deed maine for illustration a rogue wave. But my relative was location pinch me, holding my manus and making maine smile.

Getting crab astatine 34 was shocking and life-changing. But done it all, I ne'er felt alone. The group successful my life were location for maine successful truthful galore different ways. Their dependable support kept maine going.

It tin beryllium difficult to cognize really to show up for personification pinch cancer. But from my ain experience, and from talking to different crab survivors, I've learned that nan champion point you tin do is deliberation astir what you're bully at, and what you, successful particular, mightiness connection your personification astatine this moment.

Even if you don't cognize anyone pinch crab now, it will astir apt impact personification you love. The National Cancer Institute estimates that 39% of Americans will beryllium diagnosed pinch crab astatine immoderate constituent successful their lives.

Here are 4 circumstantial roles that friends and family members tin play for a loved 1 pinch cancer. They each meet a captious request that crab patients often have.

Role No. 1: Doctor's assignment buddy

In nan early days of my crab diagnosis, I was gathering pinch tons of doctors, getting 2nd and 3rd opinions. I wanted personification location who could return notes and inquire follow-up questions.

I asked my friend Zoe Saunders to travel pinch maine to meet my surgeon. She's an audio producer, truthful she has a batch of acquisition supporting hosts and reporters during interviews and summarizing what was said.

We prepared a database of questions up of time, and past during nan appointment, she fto maine return nan lead. She checked disconnected questions arsenic we went along, past wrote up notes from nan sojourn successful a shared document.

⭐ This domiciled mightiness beryllium for you if … you're organized, detail-oriented and comfortable successful aesculapian environments.

This is besides a awesome domiciled for personification pinch a aesculapian background. NPR listener Rich Coker, whose woman Maya was diagnosed pinch crab successful 2024, says that having a mates of expert friends travel them to early appointments was invaluable.

"They asked questions we wouldn't cognize to inquire successful our daze astatine nan news and newness to these systems," he says.

Role No. 2: Procedure pal and diligent advocate

You tin besides spell pinch your loved 1 to their scans, surgeries, and radiation and chemotherapy appointments. These will beryllium a spot different from a modular doctor's assignment because they're little astir asking questions and taking notes and much astir providing affectional and beingness support, and advocating for nan personification arsenic needed.

When I did chemo, I was astatine nan infirmary for 7 hours. The acold headdress felt for illustration having a stiff bowling shot strapped to my head. I was successful symptom — and I was acold — truthful it was important to person personification location who was comfortable cuddling pinch maine to lukewarm maine up, and who wasn't acrophobic to talk to a caregiver and beryllium a small pushy if I wasn't getting nan medicine I needed.

I besides wanted personification who could make maine laughter and who wouldn't deliberation it was weird erstwhile I started praying nan rosary. I had 4 infusions, and I brought 1 personification per visit: my dad, my mom, my godmother, past my cousin.

⭐ This domiciled mightiness beryllium for you if … you're nan benignant of personification who is comfortable pinch beingness touch, sitting successful silence, praying aliases moreover bringing your champion drama regular (depending connected nan person's mood). You should besides beryllium consenting to advocator for your loved 1 if needed.

Role No. 3: Companion aft surgeries aliases infusions

I did chemo connected Fridays, and nan Mondays aft were ever nan hardest for me. My friend would travel by and bring maine lentil crockery because I was craving it — and because it was creamy. After chemo, group often create rima sores and suffer their consciousness of taste, and nan creamy texture tin consciousness comforting.

She besides brought maine small presents, for illustration a headscarf pinch pasta shapes connected it, to screen up my caput arsenic I was losing my hair. As I laic connected nan couch, she sat connected nan level and held my hand.

⭐ This domiciled mightiness beryllium for you if … you person a beardown tummy (you mightiness spot blood, burns aliases treatment incisions) and if you're capable to beryllium mentally beardown contempt seeing your loved 1 astatine a debased point.

Role No. 4: Household helper and repast planner 

One of nan biggest gifts you tin springiness to personification who's going done crab curen is to return connected immoderate of their day-to-day intelligence load. Here are immoderate ways to do that:

• Offer to bring complete dinner. That saves them a travel to nan market shop and nan power of cooking. It besides saves them having to deliberation astir what they're going to eat tonight.
  
• Instead of asking, "What tin I do?", make a circumstantial offer. Don't springiness your friend nan other task of assigning you a task. Say: Hey, tin I travel do a load of laundry for you? Walk nan dog? Bring you a smoothie? 
  
• Coordinate friends who want to help. Coker says erstwhile his woman Maya sewage sick, a friend created a almanac "where group could motion up to return our kids to their activities aliases travel my woman to appointments and chemotherapy treatments." That took immoderate of nan readying of day-to-day life disconnected their plate.
  
• Take initiative. NPR listener Indira White, who was diagnosed pinch bosom crab successful 2023, says a friend would travel complete and "just commencement doing nan dishes aliases tidying thing up. That was really helpful."  

⭐ This domiciled mightiness beryllium for you if … you're bully astatine organizing and planning, and consenting to return initiative.

A past tip

No matter what domiciled you extremity up fulfilling, retrieve that you don't person to beryllium nan personification who makes this each amended for personification aliases who offers them nan cleanable pearl of wisdom.

Debra Jarvis, big of nan podcast The Final Say: Conversations pinch People Facing Death, a infirmary chaplain and a bosom crab survivor, says you mightiness inquire this elemental mobility to your loved 1 erstwhile you talk to them: "Where are you pinch each this today?" she says.

"Then conscionable wait. They whitethorn springiness you an answer. Then I would opportunity hold a small more, and past nan existent reply mightiness travel out," she says.

You whitethorn not ever cognize what to opportunity to your friend, but curiosity is simply a bully start.

The integer communicative was edited by Malaka Gharib, pinch creation guidance by Beck Harlan. We'd emotion to perceive from you. Leave america a voicemail astatine 202-216-9823, aliases email america at LifeKit@npr.org.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, aliases motion up for our newsletter. Follow america connected Instagram: @nprlifekit.