'Why does my toddler … ?' Your kiddo's most confounding behavior, decoded

Parenting a 2 twelvemonth aged is specified a chaotic ride. The different day, my boy started nan greeting pinch an detonation of cuddles, followed instantly by refusing nan blueberry muffins he had declared his very favorite nan week before. Once we made it done breakfast, nan regular Battle of Putting connected Shoes was still ahead!

Sometimes, I consciousness for illustration I'm playing a crippled of affectional ping pong pinch my kid. And that tin beryllium difficult for some maine and him to manage.

Fast-changing feelings and defiant behaviour are developmentally due for 1 to 3 twelvemonth olds, says pediatric scientist Roger Harrison. They're a measurement of building your kid's consciousness of aforesaid — and knowing their spot successful nan world.

But for parents, they tin often beryllium a root of frustration, he says. When tantrums and powerfulness struggles originate from those emotions, it tin beryllium easy for america adults to suffer our patience. 

Reframing your toddler's boundary-pushing arsenic a intends of societal and affectional learning mightiness connection immoderate relief, says Harrison, a section main wrong nan section of kid and teen psychiatry astatine Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.

"When we understand nan 'why' of definite behaviors and spot them wrong an due developmental context, it allows parents to measurement backmost from nan emotion and reside nan behaviour strategically," he says.

Harrison and different kid improvement experts reply questions astir communal toddler behaviors — and connection proposal connected really to respond successful nan situation.

Why does my toddler … opportunity "NO!" to everything, moreover to things they like? 

A toddler's contrarian quality is conscionable par for nan people astatine this shape of development, says Harrison. In summation to processing much connection and cognitive and centrifugal skills astatine lightning speed, they're conscionable opening to understand that they are their ain unsocial personification abstracted from their caregivers. With this caller consciousness comes a request to trial boundaries successful bid to found independence.

"Part of that process of  figuring retired who I americium is to study me successful guidance to each nan things successful nan world," he says.

So if your toddler gives you a resounding "NO!" to his favourite popsicle aliases book earlier bedtime, what he mightiness beryllium really doing is trying to flex his recently discovered self-awareness. His "no" could construe to, "Check this out, Mommy! I'm a personification pinch my ain mind and opinions now!"

⭐ Parent tip: What should you do if you request your kid to opportunity "yes" to, say, brushing their teeth, getting successful their car spot aliases leaving nan playground?

Model a calm response, past kindly but firmly fto them cognize what's going to hap next, says Jamie Glowacki, a parenting and potty training coach and the author of Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler. You mightiness say: Yes, we do request to time off nan playground. You tin either spell down nan descent 1 much clip and locomotion retired pinch me, aliases I tin transportation you retired correct now.

Why does my toddler … opportunity everything is "mine"?

In Toddlerland, "the rules of ownership are different," Harrison says. "If it's mine, it's mine. If it's yours and I want it, it's besides mine."

As a kid starts to build their personality and independence, they'll often effort to exert power complete their situation done possession, Harrison says. It helps them understand themselves and their attachments successful nan world.

For example: my mom has achromatic hair, truthful I person achromatic hair. My sister has a cool toy, truthful I person a cool toy. I americium a kid pinch achromatic hairsbreadth and a cool toy! Mine, mine, mine! By making claims for illustration these, a toddler tin trial nan boundaries of their situation to amended specify who they are.

So if your toddler claims each book successful nan room is hers aliases refuses to stock moreover her least favorite stuffie connected her playdate — don't stress, says Harrison. She's not being selfish, she's conscionable stretching retired that newfound consciousness of self. 

⭐ Parent tip: If you want your kid to share, exemplary past believe nan behavior, says early puerility pedagogue Chazz Lewis. For example, successful nan aftermath of a artifact conflict pinch different kid connected nan playground, thatch your toddler to inquire for a move by reaching your thenar retired assertively and saying, "turn, please," he says. Do a fewer believe rounds earlier sending them backmost retired to play. 

Why does my toddler … want to lick/smash/crash into everything?

Does your small 1 emotion to spill each instrumentality they tin get their hands on, lick colorful wallpaper aliases bounce against your surviving room for illustration it's a life-size pinball machine?

They whitethorn simply beryllium trying to summation immoderate sensory accusation astir their surroundings, says Layne Deyling Cherland, a longtime preschool teacher-turned-content creator who focuses connected adult-toddler dynamics.

To them, each action and relationship is simply a chance to stitchery much information astir themselves and really things work. "What's maine and what's not me? What effect do I person connected nan world? That's what each this experimenting is," says Deyling Cherland.

They whitethorn besides beryllium craving proprioceptive input, for illustration nan heavy unit gained from tight hugs aliases nan strength-building from climbing connected playground equipment, she says.

Toddlers crave these types of sensory experiences successful portion because it builds up their soul consciousness of position and movement, which is important for coordination, equilibrium and moreover self-regulation.

⭐ Parent tip: As agelong arsenic she's safe, fto your small 1 explore, says Deyling Cherland. Embracing weirdness aliases silliness tin beryllium an opportunity for relationship and a cardinal to disrupting powerfulness struggles.

Make an obstacle people pinch pillows and stuffies to get those zoomies out, past title done it together. Dole retired immoderate caller aliases favourite snacks into abstracted bowls and person your picky eater play a crippled of unsighted taste-testing.

Why does my toddler … support doing that point I told them not to do 100 times?

No moving successful nan kitchen! I said, don't tally successful nan kitchen! You person 10 seconds to extremity moving successful nan room aliases you're successful large trouble, missy! 

If you're repeating yourself a bunch pinch your toddler, you've apt already mislaid power of nan situation, says Glowacki.

From a comprehension standpoint, your mean toddler doesn't yet grasp nan conception of negation, Lewis says. So erstwhile you opportunity don't run successful nan kitchen, what your kid is much apt to understand from that condemnation is: run in nan kitchen.

More importantly, simply telling a kid what you don't want them to do doesn't springiness them immoderate devices for really to behave successfully successful nan future, he says.

⭐ Parent tip: Instead of telling your toddler what they're doing wrong, thatch them really to lick nan problem aliases what they should do instead, says Lewis. If you want your kid to extremity moving successful nan kitchen, you mightiness say, "walk slow successful nan kitchen." Or maybe, "please locomotion slow and mildly connected nan tile level truthful you don't wounded yourself."

"Now, there's a chance they mightiness really do thing different this time," Lewis says.

Why does my toddler … dislike switching activities?

Wake up! Change clothes! Eat breakfast! Toddlers are bossed astir each time long, often pinch small knowing and moreover little opportunity successful their regular schedule.

While toddlers thrive connected regular and consistency, transitioning from 1 task to different tin beryllium frustrating, Glowacki says. The break successful continuity tin beryllium unsettling, particularly erstwhile they're immersed successful an activity that gives them a consciousness of comfortableness and independence, for illustration playtime aliases bath time. Those moments are besides 1 of nan very fewer pieces of nan world she tin exert immoderate agency over, truthful that nonaccomplishment of power tin consciousness acute.

Add to that hunger, sleepiness, overstimulation — regular factors that would accent retired immoderate different quality — and those modulation periods tin go triggers for volatile emotions and tantrums, she says.

⭐ Parent tip:  The adjacent clip your small 1 throws a fresh astir transitioning from playtime to dinnertime, effort to retrieve that nan alteration is immense for her, says Glowacki.

Put a small powerfulness backmost into her hands by offering 2 affirmative choices, Lewis says. For example: Blue sheet aliases purple plate? Juice aliases milk? This gives her agency but allows you to safely steer her wherever she needs to go. 

"The extremity of toddlerhood is to springiness a kid manageable pieces of individual powerfulness to believe with," Deyling Cherland says. "We want them to person practiced capable truthful that erstwhile they are this young big going retired into nan world, they know, 'This is really I make decisions. My decisions do impact different people.' "

The integer communicative was edited by Malaka Gharib, pinch creation guidance by Beck Harlan. We'd emotion to perceive from you. Leave america a voicemail astatine 202-216-9823, aliases email america at LifeKit@npr.org.

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