Don’t be squeamish this Thanksgiving — learn to butcher your own turkey for the table, just like I did

I admit: Never successful a cardinal years could I put nan “butch” successful “butcher.”

But location is thing much authentic, perchance fulfilling and possibly moreover nosy astir going afloat Pilgrim and throwing yourself into Thanksgiving preparations successful 1 of nan astir old-school ways possible. Who needs a Butterball erstwhile you tin really person a shot by prepping your vacation vertebrate from scratch?

Still, erstwhile I agreed to a one-on-one turkey-butchering objection by nan Thanksgiving-forward foodies astatine Leland Eating and Drinking House successful Brooklyn — I was unexpectedly served a heaping broadside of horror.

“We person an apron for you, and deterioration non-slip shoes aliases sneakers of immoderate sort,” nan restaurant’s rep warned maine successful an email.

What successful nan blood-splattered depths of Freddy Krueger’s “A Nightmare connected Elm Street” was I getting myself into?

Sure, I emotion to cook, but I’d ne'er attempted superior room connected a star before; slathering food connected a freshly unwrapped, intact Cornish hen and tossing it into a 400-degree oven was nan sum full of immoderate expertise I mightiness have.

And while I do travel from a family of hunters — cousins successful my autochthonal Pennsylvania person bagged galore a turkey and subordinate earlier giving them a last room send-off — I’d ne'er volunteered to prime up a shotgun and subordinate them arsenic they went traipsing done nan woods successful hunt of dinner.

I deliberation they were smart capable not to induce me, too. That primal pastime would beryllium measurement excessively overmuch for a metropolis boy for illustration me, who usually wears 7 rings scattered crossed his 2 hands and only dons an apron to debar nan scatter of simmering pasta sauce. 

I’m besides a klutz who has trim done nan extremity of his near thumb 3 times — 2 requiring stitches — while dicing onions and peppers. And I tried not to return it arsenic an omen that I collapsed a drinking solid astatine activity conscionable 4 hours earlier my scheduled turkey tutorial.

Yet I wanted to gain astatine slightest a small butchering cred — and possibly moreover animate others to springiness it a self-satisfying changeable — alternatively than conscionable boasting astir basting a bird.

And, really: How off-putting — and vulnerable — could it possibly be?

When I arrived astatine nan Prospect Heights eatery and ventured to nan basement bakery-cum-butcher station, wherever I was surrounded by trays of fresh-baked breadstuff and containers of sweetener and flour, I quickly realized — pinch overmuch alleviation — I wouldn’t beryllium dealing pinch a fresh-from-the-farm turkey pinch feathers, gnarly talons, snood (the bizarre chemoreceptor overhang) and wattle still intact. That’s near to farms and processing plants pinch workers who are paid to grip nan astir grisly slaughtering scenarios.

Let america springiness thanks!

Instead, my diligent coach — edifice partner and cook Delfin Jaranilla — presented maine pinch a astir 16-pound, plucked and cleaned Bronze turkey (let’s affectionately sanction him Tom), raised by Frank Reese astatine Good Shepherd Poultry Ranch successful Kansas and provided by nan famed Heritage Foods.

But aft tying connected my apron and donning a camouflaged headdress to lucifer 1 worn by my instructor, I besides worried it wouldn’t beryllium a elemental slice-and-dice situation.

“This is simply a small daunting,” I said while gazing astatine my blessedly headless Tom, to which Jaranilla assured me, “Well, you’ll spell slow. It’s easy to thatch you a mates of really important lessons astir poultry.” 

Keep successful mind, this cognition wasn’t going to lucifer that classic, Norman Rockwell portrait of a whole, cooked turkey being served tableside by grandpa successful a suit and necktie and grandma successful a frilly apron, fresh to portion it up for an overly enthusiastic family. 

Instead, we would beryllium preparing Tom successful a turketta style — akin to nan Italian pork-roasting method known arsenic porchetta, successful which nan nutrient is removed, flattened and past rolled into a log shape, pinch acheronian nutrient connected nan extracurricular and fast-cooking ray nutrient connected nan inside.

I was first tasked pinch snipping Tom’s tied legs and past utilized my correct manus to region nan neck, which was stored wrong its cavity, surrounded by an avalanche of crystal that quickly froze my fingers, making extraction little nimble. 

Worse, nan bony, angled building that I yet yanked from nan mediocre bird’s butt was disturbingly shaped for illustration nan animal that burst from John Hurt’s thorax successful nan movie “Alien.” 

In space, nary 1 tin perceive you shriek — but successful a kitchen, different chefs whitethorn perceive you shriek.

Before we sewage into full-on culinary carnage, courtesy of my exceptionally crisp Victorinox marque knife, Jaranilla offered a smart information extremity astir holding one: Position your manus a small higher truthful that you tin spot your thumb against nan guidelines of nan blade, not connected nan grip itself, for amended control. (It useful — effort it.)

After posing for a photograph pinch our “weapons” — Jaranilla’s cheeky term, not excavation — it was clip to region nutrient from bone, which I had expected to beryllium a much forceful, fervent process. 

“Using gravity is simply a large portion of it, and making judge your devices are sharp,” Jaranilla said.

It was a adjuvant reminder that I’m clumsy and should steer my fingers acold clear of nan blade.

“Number 1 is you return shortcuts. Never return big, sweeping cuts,” I was instructed. “You’re going to return small, small precise cuts to find retired wherever nan joints springiness way.” 

The deboning method progressive removing nan wings, past cautiously slicing adjacent to nan breastbone and ribs to abstracted that nutrient earlier moving connected to nan legs and thighs. 

The process was slow, meticulous and only minimally bloody — to my relief. 

Plus, nary lie: It made maine admit nan precision that surgeons request successful an operating room. 

Granted, we weren’t dealing pinch life and decease here; sorry, Tom, but your destiny was sealed by others respective states away. However, decently cutting done turkey soma isn’t a haphazard cognition either, I found.

It takes effort, attraction and patience — arsenic opposed to nan slapdash enthusiasm of a horror-film serial killer. 

Surprisingly, Tom’s room lasted an hr and a half — nan restaurant’s skilled room unit tin get it done overmuch quicker than that, of people — yet nan process went by successful a blur, leaving 1 metallic tray filled pinch discarded parts and my woody butcher artifact holding nan all-important, thinly-sliced nutrient I’d extracted.

And each of my fingers were blessedly intact.

In nan end, I radiated and massaged nan nutrient pinch a seasoning of salt, pepper, Italian spices, and paprika, past rolled it into a tight log, tied it pinch six pieces of twine, and moved it to a metallic tray for roasting. 

The rotation method is 1 that nan edifice swears by. For Thanksgiving, Leland prepares and serves astir 16 turkeys astatine nan restaurant, pinch nan expertise to provender astir 250 people, truthful it is simply a time-saver. 

“You’re fundamentally going from a four-hour roast erstwhile you’re doing it full to a 45-minute roast,” Jaranilla said. 

“It’s a batch of front-loaded activity for illustration this successful nan beginning. But nan reward later is erstwhile you are fundamentally done cooking it, aft we’ve rolled it up, roasted it decently — you don’t person to carve astir immoderate bones.”

Plus, location will beryllium less fights complete bosom versus thigh.

“You don’t person to interest about, ‘OK, who’s going to get this part, who’s going to get that part?’ Every portion of this vertebrate is going to person a small spot of bosom and a small spot of acheronian meat,” Jaranilla said.

The last product, I tin attest, was juicy and delicious. And while it whitethorn not person nan gravitas of a Rockwellian turkey — it frankly resembled a sleeping container that was near excessively adjacent to a campfire — astatine slightest it wasn’t astir arsenic scary to prep arsenic I’d feared.

Freddy Krueger would beryllium disappointed — but I decidedly was not. 

Leland Eating and Drinking House is hosting its first-ever turkey-butchering people and five-course tasting meal for 16 group astatine 6 p.m. Wednesday, Nov. 12. Cost: $125. Details astatine LelandBrooklyn.com. 

The edifice will besides connection sessions successful pig butchering (Dec. 3) and duck butchering (Dec. 17).